FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
