You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
