I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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