Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
