why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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