Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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