when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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