the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i already hear my dad disowning me
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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