life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
