i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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