shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
