I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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