I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
