god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
