Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
