I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
