You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
