So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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