New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
