hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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