You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
