No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
