So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
that's an acceptable place to lick
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
