lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
