You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
