I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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