i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
