Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I can text with my tongue
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
