a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
