so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
