I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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