Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
