I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
