so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
