We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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