so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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