The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i believe in u and ur pee
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
