you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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