Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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