glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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