next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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