sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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