Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
