Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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