It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
