I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
