I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Life is so much better after having sex.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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