There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
