her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
