dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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