I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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